I lost one of the most important persons in my life because I'm an idiot.
They mean the world to me. .-.
And now... I'm at a loss. Because I'd do anything to take back what I said.
Give me another chance...

no one should go to bed
in tears...

a person shouldn't  cry this much.

man offing myself would definitely take away all this stress, fff.
rkjfdkfgdkljdf

I can't do this.

I never will be a priority to anyone.
No one cares enough.

Maybe that's a good thing.
Maybe I should just go...

Then people won't have to care.
Can just continue on having fun.

I hate dreams.
And I don't dream often.

But I always fucking get dreams of something I probably will never have.

Even my own mind wants me to spiral into a deep depression.
I didn't know it could hold a coup d'e'tat.

easily forgettable.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
why can't i do this.

dskjfhsdf
fuck

why can i never go to bed happy anymore.

Oh how I do enjoy the interwebs.

Courtesy of my friend Nathan, we discovered that someone, possibly of Anonymous, even more so possibly under the directive of Ceiling Cat, went onto the wikipedia page of Hades and oh so cleverly inserted the word "nigger" into various parts of the article. Nathan only came to find the first one, but I went further to see if there were more, and there were.

Screen caps!

i cant do this

For the past five years I haven't had a clue who I was.
Then I thought I did.
Now I'm struggling to find who I'm not, before I find out who I am.

Outcome is looking bleak.

Now I know how everyone must feel when you just randomly leave.
Just didn't think you'd do it to me.
It's been pretty unexpected.

Deer in the headlights,
Blinded by its own right
Hands out and paralyzed,
Here we sit side by side.

Push the button and see what comes.
Push it now and see what runs.

What sucks is I have a hollow feeling again.

So, I'm going to get help for my actions. Like, legit professional help.

I broke down during AP Euro today, and during the break someone I know but was never really friends with asked me what was wrong and I kind of just broke and spilled it all. They essentially took me aside and told me about situations they themselves have had. And offered advice.

I went to the guidance office and said it all for the most part. My mother came and picked me up. And we talked and shit.
And all that jazz.
Now my step-dad is blaming my mother for what I've done to myself yet when I've specifically said it was him.

but yeah.
trying to get better now.

And this time it really is for myself.

words have stopped flowing, no longer can i write. those beautiful flowering words have all but wilted and dried up

nothing coherent grows in the garden, there are no longer seeds. the ground is dead. what next will come to fall?

certainly not the red leaves, for that process has to happen and is not of me. certainly not the rain because that is not of me

oh, but life that flows within me, may it fall. oh, but the salt water that runs down my face, may it fall

may it thunder and lightning and cause such a ruckus that can be heard, that the devastation that the loss of words is known. forever around the world

Writing is not for me, and no longer will I try to summon those words to my side for battle once more. I can't create them, the words that were once there.. they've all but abandoned me for the favor of those who use their talents well.

A writer can't be a writer without soul. and that has all but gone away. after this, i'll be giving up creative writing, and any writing that I do will either be essay, unless I have to write something creative for class.

i feel so uninspired lately...
i really want to curl up into a ball. i already am crying.
and it's come to be no one even notices me anymore in school. i am fading.
and i dont know if everything is going to be alright...
and i really just want to hug a certain someone.
i want everything to go back to how it was... a few months ago...
i felt invincible. i felt good.
and ive just been sitting here crying because i can't have anything and i am in so much pain, and my mind keeps wandering to those days.